Sunday, October 22, 2006

this october sun

It's not easy to walk through the world with an open heart. Every day presents a challenge, a reason to put up a wall, or to tear one down. On a bad day, I try to take comfort in the tears. It's okay that they creep up on you in the bathtub, take away your song, and show you to be as naked as you are. They are a reminder that we are still alive, still feeling. Energy flows in and back out again.

Buster has been mewling and knocking things over for nearly five hours. His cry is as constant as this October sun. He grows, along with his his neurosis, slightly more hairless by the week. He wants to eat. He wants to chase the crows outside the window. He wants attention. He wants to be put down now, thank you. He doesn't truly know what he wants. Meanwhile, Minou sits passively, watching the world unfold as it is, with her Buddha belly heart.

My challenge is to grow like this: more still, more fearless. I wish to take it all in, let my spirit intertwine with the atoms of the earth, breathe in, breathe out. I don't need to hold on to anything. This is not to say I won't mewl and cry on occasion. These acts too, remind us we are alive, but they keep us pinned to a particular, when what we deserve is to be free. If each of us were truly free, it wouldn't be so complicated to bump souls with each other. It wouldn't hurt so much to let go. There would be no need for such things. Everything would simply be and that would be enough.

Enough. What does that word truly mean? Did I love him enough? How can such things be measured? I loved you and for a time, I hope, I loved you well. Before that, we loved others, and perhaps in the future, we will love again. Should it be enough to love and be loved at all? Shouldn't we appreciate all the bright October mornings and all the afternoons of rain; the long lazy summers, the times of grief and longing, the act of two bodies coming together to make love? Should not these things sustain us in the times we feel alone in the world?

We are not alone. There, the sun and the moon. Today, the crows. Yesterday, a smile from a stranger, a kind word from a friend. There has been love and will always be love. The world has its horrors, yes, and also the blind assurance of beauty. There is much to be grateful for, to weep for, to rise up and laugh about. It is enough.